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Continuing Readers: Please, page down past the brief introductory material.
New Readers: If you missed a previous part, you’ll find it elsewhere on this site or at NewsLaugh.com.
Here’s the brief introduction to these remarkable notes, repeated for your convenience.
An unexpected manuscript showed up in our inbox. We were immediately convinced of its authenticity and decided we had to share it with you. It was accompanied by the following note:
“Hi, there. How’s life working out? Who am I? That’s for me to know and for you to guess. Let me just say that I witnessed the invention of everything. And I kept good meeting notes.
“I wanted every planet to come with an instruction manual, but my suggestion was a nonstarter. I decided the next best thing I could do is release my notes. I hope they help clarify things for you.
“I sent them by Multi-Verse Mail to all the planets projected to have life on them that could read. As far as the earth goes, I addressed it to NewsLugh.com. I figured it would exist about the time the news would come in especially handy. Why a humor magazine? Hey, I think I’m a bit of humorist myself.
“Sorry, but I have to be a little vague about the participants in the meeting, because they’re all very high up the totem pole of the universe and like to keep out of the spotlight. But I assure you that my notes are accurate.
“I thought I’d start with the invention of sex, since that seems to be the foundation of a lot of things. This particular invention was a tough one because we weren’t sure how to make it work.
“For instance, some of the participants wanted direct physical contact. Others thought the male could mail his sperm to the female, and she could deposit it in an egg bank.
“Direct contact between the two, though it seemed like a daring idea at first, won on its overall merits.
“Then the question became, should it feel good or not? I’m happy to say that feeling good won by a unanimous vote. After all, we want you to like us.
“Looking back, I think we made the right decisions, not only about sex, but about everything. And, speaking of everything, you’ll find how it was invented in my notes, too, or, at least, the highlights, like land and water, air, light, people, other animals, plants, and details like gravity and magnetism.
“I hope my doodles help you understand why things are the way they are and appreciate our handiwork. Nothing would make me happier.
“In conclusion, I just want you to know we did our best, and I sure hope you like us for what we decided.”
The Invention Of The Sky
Part Four Of The Invention Of Everything; An Eyewitness Account
Once we invented water, we realized that for rain to work right we had to have a place for it to go up into and fall back down from. We settled on a working name called the sky and set aside today’s meeting to invent it. As usual, the CEO kicked off the discussion.
“We seem to be moving in the right direction. So far we’ve got -“
He pointed to my notepad.
“- sex, land, and water,” I recapped.
“Good. So let’s take up the sky. Any thoughts?”
“It can’t be too heavy.”
“Why not?”
“It’s going to be on top of everything else, isn’t it?”
“Good point.”
“It shouldn’t be too thick, either.”
“Why?”
“Getting around could be tough.”
“Agreed. But can we move on to what it should be?”
“Sure. Let’s think about its functions.”
“As I noted in yesterday’s meeting, we need a place for water to go up into and come back down from.”
“So all we need is a big empty space?”
“Don’t jump to conclusions. You know I can’t stand empty spaces. As soon as I see one, I have this irresistible urge to fill it up with something. And I’m not about to settle for part-time content like rain.”
“Good thinking, boss.”
“Well, that’s kind of the inspiration for our whole agenda, isn’t it? We decided that something is better than nothing.”
“Absolutely. How can nothing possibly compare with something?”
“Can we just move on with the matter at hand? Here’s this enormous space, called the sky. What goes in it, I mean, besides rain traffic?”
“Well, let’s think about the creatures we plan to invent. What could they use the sky for?”
“Excellent question. Here they are, alive. What do they need besides fresh water?”
“We have a concept called fresh air.”
“Air? Can you elaborate?”
“Sure. If they’re alive, they need all kinds of processes to keep them that way.”
“What are you thinking?”
“We’re developing a laundry list. I’ll share it with you in time. Right now, I’m only prepared to discuss how being alive might relate to the sky.”
“Go ahead.”
“Well, what happens when any kind of process goes on?”
“You tell me.”
“You need energy to power it.”
“I wish there was a way around that but I can’t think of any.”
“Don’t tell me we need to hook everything up with wires?”
“No, no, we’re way past that. We only need wires to hook them up inside.”
“What are you calling that wiring?”
“The nervous system. We’ll also need tubes to transport fluids. But more about those things later. Right now, let’s stick with energy.”
“OK, I’ll bite. How does the creature get it?”
“Internal combustion.”
“Go on.”
“It takes in things, which we’re putting under the general heading of food, and burns it up.”
“Without catching on fire?”
“Right. It’s a different kind of combustion. Totally flame-free. “
“Interesting. How does it work?”
“Oh, it takes a lot of chemical processes, which we’re fleshing out in the lab. The relevant thing, in terms of the sky, is what do we need in it to faciitate combustion?”
“I know that. Two of the atomic thingamajigs Oscar invented.”
“O2?”
“Right. So think about this. If we put it in the sky, they can get it from there.”
“How? They reach up?”
“No, no. We have this really innovative idea called breathing.”
“Breathing?”
“Yeah, it’s a way to get the fresh air into each and every creature.”
“Good. How do you manage that?”
“We plan to provide them with various means – basically holes the O2 goes into and dedicated devices to get it to where it’s needed.”
“OK. So the O2 goes in. What happens next?”
“What else? It fuels the combustion.”
“Done. No point overworking the issue. Anything else to consider?”
“Well, there’s an esthetic matter. Should breathing take a major effort or be something that’s really easy?”
“As I see it, we can’t very well tire them out while they’re trying to get something they need to keep from getting tired.”
“Right. Then they might give up on breathing.”
“Yikes. What would happen if they did that?”
“No fuel, no processes.”
“That’s a major downside. We better make O2 very easy to get.”
“I agree. So the O2 goes in easy as can be, and we have combustion. But, as the saying goes, what goes in must come out, right?”
“With certain exceptions.”
“So what comes out?”
“We figure a combo of Oscar’s O2’s and Chuck’s atomic invention.”
“How so?”
“Chuck devised a really efficient way for his gizmo to hook up with the O’s.”
“And so?”
“It comes out as Chuck One, plus Oscar Two.”
“That’s one ‘C’ and two ‘O’s’?”
“Right. In a word, CO2.”
“Like it. An epiphany of efficiency.”
“So let me get this straight. The O2 goes in. We have combustion. Then the CO2 comes out.”
“You got it.”
“So far, so good. I endorse cycles, since they can go on and on, which fits with our overall plan, right?”
“Yep.”
“Hold it. I think we skipped a step.”
“What?”
“Where in the heck does the O2 come from?”
“Good point. We need a source.”
“We’re thinking of a team effort.”
“In what sense?”
“Well, since the creatures need the O2, we need something to make it.”
“Any thoughts?”
“Of course. Do you think I’d come to the meeting unprepared?”
“Sorry. Don’t be so touchy, OK?”
“I’ll try, but I expect you to show a little respect.”
“Can we just move on?”
“All right. Now, we figure the neatest setup would be if they take the CO2 the other creatures are producing and, come on, come on, think about it.”
“They turn it back into O2?”
“Right.”
“Brilliant. We have creatures who need O2 and turn it into CO2, and we have these other creatures walking around who take CO2 and turn it back into O2?”
“Right, except we figure that the ones that take in the CO2 and make the O2 won’t be able to walk around.”
“Why not?”
“There might be disagreements. One half of the team could say, ‘Look, we produce all the O2, which you need like breath itself.’ And the other half could come back with, ‘Hey, we could say the same thing about the CO2.’ No need to set up a potential confrontation.”
“So the things that make the O2 just stand there?”
“Yeah. Or maybe wrap around a handy support item. The key thing is they wouldn’t have movable feet. In fact, just to be on safe side, we don’t even think they should talk.”
“They can’t walk or talk?”
“No. Got a problem with that?”
“How happy can they be?”
“Depends on how we structure their needs. If they can satisfy them, no reason they can’t be happy.”
“Fair enough. Are we talking about what’s on land and in the water?”
“Essentially. But when it comes to water the things that produce the O2 could also float around, as long as they don’t have feet or voices. “
“Got a name for this half of the team?”
“As a matter of fact, two names.”
“I see you’ve really got a handle on this.”
“Thanks. They’re such an essential part of the plan we thought we’d tie the nomenclature in with the word ‘plan.'”
“The way we did when we came up with ‘planets’?”
“Right. In fact, we took that word as our jumping-off point.”
“How so?”
“Since they’re not going to be everywhere, but only on planets that can support creatures, we thought, Why not just drop the ‘e’ from ‘planets?'”
“So we get ‘plants’?”
“Exactly.”
“Same thing goes for the ones on land and in the water, right? “
“Oh, for sure, I mean, for the ones that just standing there. But we thought it would only be right to give the things that float around a slightly different name.”
“What did you settle on?”
“‘Plankton.'”
“Why that?”
“We figured there’d be a ton of it, floating here and there.”
“I like it. Everybody for calling the part of the team that makes 02 ‘plants’ and ‘plankton,’ please raise your hands.”
“‘Plants’ and ‘plankton’ they are.”
“So let’s recap. We have the half of the team that that moves around taking in O2 and sending out CO2, right?”
“Right.”
“And the other half taking in the CO2 sending out the O2?”
“Yep.”
“Wow, what a beautiful dynamic.”
“Yeah. Back and forth, and everybody’s alive and happy.”
“I only have one question.”
“What?”
“How can the things that make the O2 have a process if they don’t start with O2?”
“Good question. We’re giving them a slightly different approach. Basically, it’s a setup that lets them borrow combustion.”
“They borrow it?”
“Yeah.”
“Who from?”
“You mean, where from?”
“A mere technicality. Please, explain.”
“They’ll download it from the next thing we need to invent.”
“What’s that?”
“Don’t you sense that something is missing?”
“I sense that a lot is still missing. I just don’t know what part of the puzzle you’re referring to.”
“Here’s a hint. We’ve got land here, water there, and the sky up here. The stage is set, except for?”
“Lights?”
“Right. We need stage lights? What else? Come on, come on.”
(Please, go to Second Half)
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write by Briston Blair